I am having a hard time figuring out how to start this post. I had to write something, so I wrote that but I guess I will just dive in. In all honesty, I am feeling very beaten up, emotionally, mentally, even physically. My Mom passed September 20 and while that was a blessing in that I know she is in a better place, I miss her. The difficulty with the “long goodbye” is as you see your loved one become a shadow of who they once were, it doesn’t prepare you for their passing. “Passing”. Leaving sports analogies out, Passing can mean the conclusion of a period or era or the successful meeting of requirements of a test or course. I am finding a bit of peace in the second definition. She was certainly a successful human: kind, thoughtful, artistically expressive with paint brush and words. I am grateful she was my mother. She supported my crazy horse life and was a shoulder to lean on when life wasn’t going my way. The same can be said for my father, who I lost 12 years ago now. Incredibly intelligent, he saw the patterns of the world I believe most people miss. He was also so kind and full of love to give. I am grateful he was my father and that I had such examples to live up to. I feel like, at least for me, when you lose one parent, it hurts, but you still have half of the “Mom and Dad”. When you lose the other, it’s hits all over again.
Mom and Dad were both cremated and my brothers, our spouses and I were able to release their ashes together into the sea in a private and simple funeral ceremony. I took a few days from teaching riding afterward, mostly to step away from feeling the need to put on a smile and the energy it took to engage, as much as I appreciated the love and support I received from friends and students. Ed is a God send, seeing through my bravado but giving me space to sort myself out at the same time always having a hug or caress and thoughtful, intelligent conversation when I was ready for it (as well as captaining the boat under challenging circumstances!)
Thankfully, I had a challenging commission for the holidays come in that helped me focus on things like color and value, proportions and perspectives instead of sorrow. I wasn’t sure I could continue with my “Nurture” series, honoring motherhood, even though I started it knowing I would be losing my mother most likely sooner rather than later. It hits me differently now. But this week, I was able to step back in front of what will be the third installment. This one will be titled “Assurance” and helps me think of my mother in better times, when she mothered me with a kind word, holding my hand or just a gentle touch or kiss, instead of these last few years, when I was more of a mother to her, watching her fade.
My studio became my cave, my burrow to hide in, while I sort through my hurts. I love my little space, with its touches of pink, phalaenopsis orchids in the window, my roll-top desk and comfy fuzzy pink chair. Inspiration on the walls, from my very first painting (look how far I have come!) to awards and new art on the easels in their various stages. And still a lovely workspace with the drawing table, paints and big easel, each ready for me to create the moment I can grab the time and energy. A friend gave me a fish tank and that has sent me down the “aquascaping” rabbit hole where sculpture meets gardening meets fish keeping. It sits patiently waiting on top of my desk for me to get busy on it! Everything an artist could ask for! I have shared a few photos of my space (holiday commission in hiding in case it’s recognized).
